A libertarian Christmas

These two items come from the latest Advocates for Self-Government newsletter, The Liberator Online. The Advocates are the folks with the famous World's Smallest Political Quiz.

Will the Feds Bust Santa Claus?
by George Getz

When Santa Claus comes to town this week, he'd better watch out -- because the federal government may be making a list of his crimes (and checking it twice), the Libertarian Party warned today.

"Hark the federal agents sing, Santa is guilty of nearly everything," said Libertarian Party press secretary George Getz. "The feds know when Santa's been bad or good -- and he's been bad, for goodness sakes."

Does Santa belong in the slammer? Instead of stuffing stockings, should he be making license plates?

Yes, said Getz, if he's held to the same standards as a typical American. For example:

* Every December 25, the illegal immigrant known as Santa Claus crosses the border into the United States without a passport. He carries concealed contraband, which he sneaks into the country in order to avoid inspection by the U.S. Customs Service. And just what's in all those brightly colored packages tied up with ribbons, anyway? The Drug Czar and Homeland Security want to know.

* Look at how this international fugitive gets around: Santa flies in a custom-built sleigh that hasn't been approved by the FAA. He never files a flight plan. He has no pilot's license. In the dark of night, he rides the skies with just a tiny bioluminescent red light to guide him -- a clear violation of traffic safety regulations.

* Pulling Santa's sleigh: Eight tiny reindeer, a federally protected species being put to hard labor. None of these reindeer have their required shots, and Santa's never bothered to get these genetically- engineered animals registered and licensed. It's no wonder: He keeps them penned outside his workplace in a clear violation of zoning laws.

* But Crooked Claus the Conniving Capitalist harms more than just animals -- he's hurting hard-working American laborers, too. Isn't Santa's Workshop really Santa's Sweatshop, where his non-union employees don't make minimum wage and get no holiday pay? Add the fact that OSHA has never inspected the place, and you have a Third-World elf-exploitation operation that only Kathy Lee Gifford could love.

* No wonder Santa is able to maintain his monopoly over the toy distribution industry: He's cornered the Christmas gift market. Santa dares to give away his products for free in a sinister attempt to crush all competition -- just like Microsoft's Internet Explorer. Antitrust Lawsuit Memo to the feds: Is Santa Claus the Bill Gates of Christmas?

The bottom line, said Getz: "It might be tough sledding for Jolly St. Nick this Christmas if the government decides to prosecute him.

"We're just surprised it hasn't already happened. After all, Santa Claus is everything that politicians aren't: He's popular, reliable, and gives us something for nothing every December 25th -- instead of taking our money every April 15th."
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HOLIDAY POEM

A Liberty Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the land
Libertarians dreamed of the ideals of
Rothbard, Hayek and Rand.

Enchanted by this glorious vision of liberty,
Many yearned for better ways to help their neighbors see
The great benefits that would come if they'd only embrace
A philosophy of freedom for all, whatever country or race.

At our home the stockings and decorations were up,
We'd left Santa some cookies and some milk in a cup.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of Liberty danced in their heads.

I in my Advocates T-shirt, and Mom in her Self-Governor's Cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When outside the window there arose such a clatter
That I leapt from my bed to see what was the matter!

There through the window I saw an amazing sight
That any other time of year would have given me a fright!
A sleigh pulled by reindeer flashing through the sky so quick,
And led by no less than -- Jolly Old St. Nick!

As he roared through the air, heading straight for my abode,
I saw the sled was groaning with a tremendous load
Of packages, treasures, treats and toys --
Gifts for all good men, women, girls and boys!

More rapid than a jet, right toward me they came!
And I heard Old St. Nick call each reindeer by name:
"Now Tolerance! Now Free Enterprise! Now Liberty!
Onward Peace, and Free Speech, and Prosperity!"

He kept calling their names in that manner, and 'twas thus
I realized with a start --"Hey, Santa's one of Us!"

I had always admired this very special man,
Who flew 'round the world without posting an FAA flight plan,
Who crossed national borders with impunity each year,
And never registered his team with the U.S. Department of Reindeer.
Who laughed at licenses and permits and just made his own route,
And ran a safe, clean, happy workshop far from OSHA's obnoxious snout.
Who lived independent and government-free at the icy North Pole,
Far away from taxes, regulations and the dole.

So I tiptoed downstairs to peep into the den,
And try and steal a sight of that jolly old gentleman
Who had brought such joy to millions in so many lands.
Oh, to see him in action, alive, first-hand!

I heard the sleigh touch lightly down upon the roof,
Strange noises from my chimney came... then -- POOF!
There was Santa standing boldly beside our Christmas tree,
Bigger than life in red and white -- an awesome sight to see!

He took a bite of our cookies and said, "Hmmmm -- not bad!"
Then wrote a quick note of thanks to our youngest lad.
Then he reached down into the bulging bag at his side,
And talked aloud as he brought out what was stuffed inside:

"Here's a new computer for Johnny, and it's all set
To take him to the Advocates' Web page on the Internet!
While there he can also subscribe, for free,
To the Liberator Online, the Advocates' email bi-weekly!

"Sally wants to reach libertarians in her home town,
So I've brought her the best outreach tool around!
Operation Politically Homeless (OPH) will do the trick --
She'll find hundreds of new libertarians!" chuckled jolly old St. Nick.

Then he pulled out a vast supply of pocket-sized cards
And I could guess what they were, without trying too hard.
"Here's a few thousand World's Smallest Political Quizzes, too!
That should last them for at least a month or two!

"This family wants to communicate the ideas of freedom clearly,
So here are two fine tape sets which they will treasure dearly:
The Communication Power Pack and The Essence of Political Persuasion
Will make them Master Communicators, no matter what the occasion!"

From his bag he brought forth still more great surprises --
Libertarian T-shirts in all different sizes,
All festooned with neat slogans. Then there were books galore --
By Browne, Bergland, Cloud, Ruwart and so many more!

By now our living room seemed filled to overflowing,
But still Santa kept on going and going.
He scattered audio tapes by the dozen in every empty spot.
"There are so many great Advocates tapes -- they'll like all these a lot!

He was bringing out still more goodies, but I could stand it no more
So I stepped out from hiding and stood by the door.
He smiled at me and winked, and I knew instantly
He'd known I had been there throughout his gift-giving spree.

"I just wanted to thank you --" I began to say.
But he held up his hand and smiled in his jolly way.
"There's no need for thanks! It's a great pleasure to me
To give gifts to people who care so much about liberty!

"The Advocates has made it easy for me and my elves --
In fact, we hardly have any work to do ourselves!
For people who want to see our world freed,
The Advocates has just the products, tools, and services we need.

"If you want to thank me, the best thing you can do
Is to support the Advocates -- and put these great tools to work for you.
Oh, there's one thing more I want to leave. Here --
Keep this Libertarian Communicator magazine handy, so you can order
throughout the year!"

I wanted to say more, but he put his finger to his nose,
Then -- POOF! Straight up through my chimney he rose!
I went to my window, and saw the sleigh rise into the sky,
And as they faded away, I heard Santa cry:

"On, Free Speech! On, Tolerance! On, Liberty!
Our world is yearning to be set free!
One day soon all will see freedom's bright shining light --
Merry Christmas to all! And to all, a Good Night!"

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE ADVOCATES!

If you'd like to see this in formatted form -- including links to the products Santa mentions -- click here.